Comic Books, Depression, and Other Current Trends

Waiting for my AIDS test to come back...

2009-06-02T16:36:00.002-04:00

I hope I freaked at least one person out with that title. No, I am not about to go into a new phase in my life where I struggle for health, that's just a line from a Stephen Lynch song that makes me laugh harder than a heyena in an elephant graveyard. See for yourself.

Anyway, I have having a spirited little debate the other day with a friend of mine. If you look on my followers list, he's the black and white one. We were talking about singing comedians and the skills they have to bring to the table. He pointed out, quite fairly, "I can write funny lyrics. If somebody is doing something I know I can do, I'm not impressed". He has a very good point, and in my opinion he covers a good 90% of all singing comedians. Most of them are guys who aren't really THAT funny, can't sing THAT well, and can't play guitar THAT amazingly, but when you link the three together, it looks like an actual performance. And, of course, since a song only lasts five minutes tops, the audience has to absorb all these things at once, so they end up cheering for somebody who probably doesn't deserve it. But there are a few shining beacons of light out there in the comedy world, and I wanted to analyze what made me (and MANY others) dig the hell out of these few singers.

I believe there are three types of musical comedians. Actually, there are probably hundreds of types, but I can only think of three that are good. There is the triple threat, who can sing like a bird, play like hell, and write witty, original lyrics. Stephen Lynch falls into this category for me. As a performer he's top notch (The man was on BROADWAY for god sakes), he's an amazing singer who writes funny and contravesial songs (and isn't scared of reactions), and he can play guitar like a madman. He brings everything a performer would need to bring to the table, and from everything I've heard, he's a hell of a nice guy to boot. David Johanasburg is in this category too, and since you've probably never heard of him, I'll put a song him and Lynch did together for a sampling. (Be warned, this one's really dirty. That's AFTER hearing Waiting...)

Type number two is the kind of guy who is just so naturally talented at singing, and has such a goofy personality, he can sing normal songs and make you laugh all the way through them. The weird part about this group is that there are plenty of established, professional singers who can fit into it as well. Eminem, Brad Paisley, and Dexter from the Offspring are three very different examples of this fact. All three of them have songs on their CD's that are fall down halarious, but nobody would ever call them comedians... well... maybe Marshall. However, in terms of a comedian first, one name pops to mind hard for me. Dan Finnerty and his band, The Dan Band, have 3 or 4 CDs our right now, and rule. They had a special on Bravo about five years back that I caught one night, and have never let this guy leave my mind since. He is one of the most charasmatic, goofy lead singers ever (he performs in a mechanics jumpsuit with backup singers/dancers in tweed suits...) and every time I've seen him it looks like he's bringing the party to LIFE. You have seen him before too! Remember the movie Old School with William Ferrel, at the wedding, when the greatest version of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" you've ever heard came on? Peep it.

The last kind is the straight up comedian who has some talented music friends and a natural ear for music. USUALLY these come across as satire or parody, and for good reason! When you can't sing, you have to find something else to make people listen to what your saying. I USED to consider Steve Martin to be a type like this, but then I realized he's actually like an octouple threat. (Go get his banjo CD that just came out, it's cool). Now, in the past people like Rodney Dangerfield, Gilbert Godfried, and Pauly Shore would do songs that were purposely bad, but very funny, and usually achieved moderate success with them. Currently, however, there is a SHINING example of this style of comedy, and I'm digging the hell out of this guy. Right before he hosted the MTV Movie Awards, Andy Samburg and his musically talented posse' did a little video called "I'm on a Boat". I almost can't believe I'm posting this vid, because everyones seen it, but I'm giving the intertube slackers out there the benifit of the doubt. Aaaand Saturday Night Live doesn't like people embedding their shit, so here's a link - I'm on a Boat!

So, yeah, most musical comedians suck. Shit, even Dr. Cox was hating on Flight of the Choncords, and I LOVED their first CD. But there are a few notable ones out there, and I think this seems to be WHY the ones who are good ARE good! Let me know with any feedback if you agree, disagree, or want to buy me a drink sometime!

Fuck it, one more Lynch before I hit the road... I love this guy...

Official Poster and Release Dates for FOUR Marvel Movies!

2009-06-02T15:40:00.003-04:00

Okay, A year from today I'm going to be GIDDY from just watching Thor, and getting ready to go see First Avenger: Cap. Rock. And look at the awesome SHIELD logo in the middle... This is geekgasm-inducing stuff here people...

P.S. I heard a totally unreliable rumor that at some point somebody said something about writing a Blue Beetle movie, and that they might actually have the script done. I choose to believe this, because a Blue Beetle movie would make my favorite DC character become someone who people had heard of... I wonder which version they'll put in this movie. Hey, did you hear there is a Blue Beetle movie coming out? Sweet...

Hellgirl!!!

2009-06-02T00:56:00.004-04:00

So I'm browsing the net looking for some people doing Marvel cosplay for a little post I wanted to put, and found this while looking. Not Marvel, but possibly the BEST cosplay I have EVER seen!

RIGHT!?!?!

P.S. Review for the Star Trek comic should be up tonight!

No matter how good your umbrella is...

2009-05-22T12:02:00.001-04:00

You will not stay dry in Florida... that is all...

Things girls should never tell single guys

2009-05-20T16:42:00.004-04:00

I just had a disturbing experience... I was booking it through the torrential rains that Jacksonville seems to be experiencing to go get my mail, and on the way back wandered across the parking lot to talk to a couple of my neighbors (Lets call them Fire-Hair and Preggo). One of these lovely ladies is about 8 months, three weeks pregnant. So she's ready to pop. We had general conversation about the goings-on at the apartment complex, and I scolded Preggo on smoking for about the eight-hundredth time. It might just sink in after she has the baby.

Anyway, at this point, I heard one of the most disturbing sentences ever uttered by a woman to my ears. I understand statements like this can be made to husbands or boyfriends, because they "put this damn thing in me" or whatever, but leave us innocents unmolested by horrifying statements like this. "He's lower than he's ever been" she began, and I understood what this meant with no further elaboration.... and then ....

"My cooch must be pushed out like this far" ... with the lovely little fingers spaced symbol to illustrate the INCH AND A HALF she had to be talking about... followed by... "and I'm still only three centimeters dialated!"

*Sigh* I am now wondering if they make enough whiskey to make these thoughts go away. Owwww....

Hey! A post about comic books! Marvels Solicitation List for August 2009!

2009-05-19T17:19:00.010-04:00

Well, after another fun waterlogged day of looking for work in our stormy economy (Nice wordplay, huh?), I sat down infront of the old laptop and realized I've not written one post about comic books since I started this blog. When something is in the title of your blog, and you neglect to write about it, you pretty much fail as a person. WELL FAIL NO MORE!!!

Over at ComicBookResources.com they put up Marvel Comics' Solicitation list for August. Basically, that's all this shit they hope people are going to be excited about and order from their favorite comic book stores. For me, it's getting to look at lots of cool covers and find out whats coming out in Hardcover (THE way to read for storylines sake). So lets see what I think looks like fun off the list, shall we?
The Amazing Spiderman #601 - From what I know so far in Spidey right now, him and good ol' MJ are divorced and pretty much done with their relationship... so why are we still getting covers like this? Not that I mind, as there is no humanly possible way to draw Mary Jane Watson as anything but stupidly sexy, but it seems like they can't figure out anythin g else to put on spidey covers.

Deadpool: Merc with a Mouth #2: Deadpool basically owns the world. Any comic, web sketch, adult fan fiction novel, or anything else besides that fucking movie with him involved is gold to me. If you've never looked at Deadpool stuff, go buy or watch something. Now. Don't read the rest of this. Only really one more comic to go anyway. And boom goes the dynamite... (Click that web sketch link up there... here it is AGAIN)

Dark Reign: Hawkeye #5: Now, this is one storyline I'm actually into. All the fun shit with Norman Osbourne's Dark Avengers is fun, and his Iron Avenger armor looks incredibly badass... really. But the Hawkeye angle has to be my favorite. For those who don't know, Hawkeye has always been the funny smartass backbone of the Avengers (Ryan Reynolds should have held out for that role in the Avengers if you ask me). But now, in good old 616-ville, Bullseye is wearing the purple. And killing people for fun. While trying to act like the old Hawkeye and spit out one liners. He is AMAZINGLY badass, and I can't wait for this to come out in TPB form so I can read the whole arc in one sitting. Awesome covers on this run too.

Well, that about does it for all the cool shit I saw on the list. One last minute thing, if you're like me and only (for the most part) read comics after they come out in trade form, there are TWO coming out in August that you should immediately pick up. Hulk: GREY is coming out near the start of Aug, and is one of the coolest written and drawn Hulk stories ever. Tim Sale and Joe Loeb worked on the book, and it was the basis for the coolest scene in the Ed Norton version of the Hulk movie, when Hulk has Betty on the cliff and roars at the lightning that Thor threw down because he was watching the Hulk. Okay, that last part with the Thor stuff was speculation, but they finally cast Thor and Loki in the movie, so my brain is all over that....

Focus CD...

Secondly, if you haven't read it or don't already own Fallen Son or The Death of Captain America, they are putting out an Omnibus Hardcover that has Captain America #25-42, so you can read all about the conspiracy over who shot Cap, watch the Falcon scream at random people for three issues, be shocked at Sharon Carter crying in a bathroom, and giggle and that damned Red Skull and all his insanity... Okay, I joke because I've read all these issues like ten times. This book kicks ass. Go get it.

Up next.... probably lots of Star Trek stuff... that movie kicked all kinds of ass and the interwebs has BLOWN UP with funny over it. See ya!

The difference between crazy and eccentric

2009-04-25T14:28:00.002-04:00

I just saw an image of a long haired figure wearing what seems to be flowing fabric in the wall of my bathroom. Most would call the news and claim a religious experience. I think it was Jean Grey...
Amen.

Retardely Late Ludicrously Late Review #2!!!!

2009-04-25T03:01:00.008-04:00

Well, I'm being an insomniac even though I have a meeting tomorrow that hopefully will help me out, so I figured, why not write the review I promised everyone who (will eventually) read this blog like two days ago. So, without further ado, I present to you...

Ludicrously Late Review #2: Art Speigelman's Maus.

This book, which if you have not read then stop reading and go fucking read it, is one of the seminal works in the world of comic books (who cares about the term graphic novel, comic book snobs are annoying). This, along with Alan Moore's currently STUPIDLY POPULAR Watchmen and Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns, are arguably the most important books ever to come out of the comic book world. They are proof that the medium of pictures and word balloons is a legitimate and extremely impressive one. But this one has always been important to me. A bit of explanation is in order.

I (and I can't believe I'm admitting this) have not always been a comic book nerd. I know, take a moment to let it sink in. Actually, I've only been a major fan of the men in tights and hard to understand pictures for about 4 years. But I read this one at a good, impressionable age. An english teacher of mine, who was EXTREMELY known for being a complete bitch, assigned us to read the book in tenth grade. Now, while many of my nerdy brethren were worshipping comics at the beautiful age of fifteen, I was absorbing as much about the performing and acting world as I could. So when I was handed a book with a picture of two horrified looking mice standing in front of a swastika with a caricature of Hitler in the middle, and realized it was a comic book that I was required to read for an english class, I was suitably surprised. But, man, this book hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I had read the Diary of Anne Frank (You all should really click this link). I had seen Schindler's List. I'd even thumbed through a couple of Hitler biographies just to try to fathom an event as huge as the holocaust. But this book nailed me. From the haunting image of Art Speigelman's father (as a mouse, of course) sitting on his exercise bike with his number tattoo showing beneath his rolled up sleeve, I was enthralled.

And I read it once. And immediately forgot all about it. I was way too interested in playing Edgar Allen Poe, or learning how to properly do a script analysis, or learning how to find a card you RANDOMLY selected from a "normal" deck of cards. Comic books just weren't on my radar.

Fortunately, I was given a copy of the book about a year ago by a friend who had just gone through a pretty bad breakup, and her loser of an ex had a ton of comic books, so I got a nice chunk of cool books! Maus was one of them, and I've read it about ten times since I got my new copy. From the story, to the composition, to the art, to the fucking dust cover, this book is a work of art. And of Art.

For this review, however, I will assume you've not read nor heard of this awesome book.

Art Spiegelman is NOT a holocaust survivor. He's an amazingly talented comic book artist, who's put PLENTY of awesome work out there. However, he always wanted to write a comic book about his father, Vladek Spiegelman's, experience in being a holocause survivor. This book, Maus, is the story of Art getting the story from Vladek AND Vladek's redicously moving story. I can't honestly say which part of it I believe is better. Vladek's tale is one of heroic levels of bravery and strength, along with a TON of luck. He survived visits to Auschwitz, along with a GREAT many other concentration camps during the holocaust. But the start of the story, him meeting a girl who turned out to be crazy, then finally finding his wife (and Art's mother) Anja. It's serenely romantic and makes you understand him later wanting nothing more than to find his wife while they were separated during their tour of all the different prisons in Poland and Germany during their ordeal.

Art's story, however, is a completely different (yet relevant) one. He is being pressured, by himself, to write a story about his father. Unfortunately, he realizes his dad, being an octogenarian when he started the interviews, is basically a living stereotype of a cranky old Jewish man. He's cheap, mean, yells at his new wife for basically no reason, calls Art at 5:30 AM to tell him about his gutters being dirty, and loves to sneak into a local hotel for free bingo. These are all somewhat standable for Art, but when Vladek begins insulting Art's wife for not being Jewish (She converted!) and demands that Art and Francios (She's a Frenchie!!!) live with him for a year since he fell ill, the strain on the Father/Son relationship becomes QUITE strong.

I'll stay away from any major spoilers (though you should have read it by now), but there are a couple main points from the story which deserved to be mentioned.

"Prisoner on Hell Planet", which is a comic that Art Spiegelman wrote after his mother killed herself (It's in the first five pages, it's not a damn spoiler), is simply brilliant. It's moving, disturbing, morbidly funny, amazingly drawn, and fucking DARK AS HELL. The reason it's in Maus is because Vladek finds and reads it, but it is an AMAZING example of how a person can bare their soul on four pages. If you don't read the full novel, find this and read it. It's easy to find online, and you will thank me for reading something this moving.

Many of the small things that nobody ever thinks of that were necessary for a Jew trying to get through the holocaust are shown in this book, but one of the most moving and scariest images for me comes in the first half of the book. When the Germans are gathering up old and sick Jews, a diagram for where a family hides their grandparents is shown. It's a tiny cupboard hidden underneath the family's coal reserve, maybe 5 feet by 8. The idea of a couple of 90 year olds hiding in a dank, smelly, horrifying place such as this is just.... amazing.

Lastly, at the beginning of book II, there is an image of a human Art Spiegelman sitting on top of hundreds of dead bodies, wearing a mouse mask, talking about the pressures of writing a book such as this (The first book came out 6 years before the second one). He reverts to childhood while being hounded by agents, reporters, and fans. It's a moving section that has nothing to do with the holocaust story, but is just as, if not more, personal.

By the way, since I think it's funny, here's a list (Got it from Wikipedia) of the ethnicity's in the book, and what animal they were drawn as. (Go America! WOOF!)

The Jews are represented by mice.
The Germans are represented by cats.
The Poles are represented by pigs.
The Americans are represented by dogs.
The Roma (Gypsies) are represented as gypsy moths (found on page 133 of Maus II, page 293 of The Complete Maus).
The French are represented by frogs.
The Swedes are represented by reindeer (found on page 125 of "Maus II").
The British are represented by fish (found on page 131 of Maus II, page 291 of The Complete Maus).
The Russians are represented by bears.
Two children of a Jew and a German are shown as a mouse with cat stripes (found on page 131 of Maus II, page 291 of The Complete Maus).
The background of page 34 of Maus I (pages 36 and 171 of Complete Maus) also depicts a rabbit, a moose, a horse, an elephant, a goat and a llama all of which are unspecified as a group.

So, obviously, I recommend this book. Go find it now, and realize what a genius that Art Spiegelman was. Talk to you guys next time...

P.S. I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO ASher Roth!!! Go buy his CD, or just keep his myspace page up and listen to it! He is AMAZING!

I am slacking...

2009-04-23T18:13:00.002-04:00

And will have like 3 posts later tonight! BUT, having said that, I found something awesome that everyone can waste their time with! They put the old school, LIVE ACTION Tick up on you-tube! LOSE 5 HOURS!!!! Patrick Warburton FTW!!!

Where some of Jacksonville taxpayer money goes!

2009-04-16T13:45:00.000-04:00

Afternoon folks! CD here with a story that should aggravate any taxpayers here here in beautiful Jacksonville, Florida. One of my friends, we'll call him Tan Neck, is a groundskeeper for a bunch of the big corporate parks here in Jax. He was mowing some big lawn in St. Johns County last week, and heard some static coming from a bush. He walks over to the aforementioned shrubbery, peeks between the brances, and sees a pair of JSO (Jacksonville Sheriffs Office) walkie-talkies laying on the ground, hidden beneath the bush. And behind them is a pair of JSO riot shotguns.

*Ahem*

SHERIFF ISSUE FLIPPING RIOT SHOTGUNS!!! As best we can figure out, somebody stole them from a cop car (very reassuring) and hid them in the bush to use them later. So, technically, Tan Neck stopped a liquor store robbery or some depressed kid from taking out the chem teacher who gave him an A instead of an A+. So. My bush-trimming friend wisely leaves the guns there, and uses the radio to tell the operator what he found. Some cop calls him and tells him to stay there, they'll be there in about fifteen minutes. So Tan Neck is mowing the grass when a police helicopter flies up and lands in the middle of his property (making the "mexicans I work with all stop working" says good old Tan Neck). The cops get out, recover the stolen contraband, and proceed to give TN a ride around his property in the helecopter. Which is pretty fucking cool, I have to admit. Then they leave. And TN gets to go out to lunch to get an award for being a good citizen with the cheif or someone on Friday. He deserves the award for being a good guy and letting the cops know what he found. But how mind-numbingly stupid is it that this problem even happened in the first place. Somebody stole TWO walkie-talkies and TWO shotguns. That scares me, and I know this story won't show up on the news, so I figured I'd let people know on here, so maybe someone can bring it up at a town hall meeting or something. I know I'm not going to one of them.

Anyways, figured that'd be interesting for anyone who reads this. I was shocked the first time I heard the story, and knew that other people would (and should!) be too.

P.S. - Maus review soon... book so good... but so sad...

McDonalds wants you to be dumb

2009-04-15T19:41:00.000-04:00

Morning Folks! I write this at 9:02 AM, because for some ungodly reason I woke up at 7:30 this morning and could not fall back asleep. I am listening to our local morning radio show here in Jacksonville, and I hear a McDonalds commercial that made me laugh at first, but enraged me the more I thought about it. It was about a girl with a "Coffee Snob" addiction or some shit like that. She stated that since she left her snobby coffee shop and started drinking McMochas (Or whatever), she stopped talking about Baroque Art and 16th Century Chamber Music, and started reading tabloids and watching reality shows. "Not documentaries, REALITY SHOWS", she points out.

Why the fuck is McDonalds encouraging people to be dumber? For a company who likes to point out how much they do for children (while slowly adding on to those kiddies guts), they certainly are fine with anyone over 18 letting their brains turn to mush. "Don't watch a documentary! Order a McHeart Attack and sit on your fat ass and watch a reality show where some chef with an anger issue screams at a 23 year old former Bennigans line chef who just soiled herself!"

So I hereby issue a decree! I could demand everyone boycott McDonalds, but boycotts never work, and I'm poor, so I can't give up McDonalds. BUT, I think it would be quite inspiring to the McDonalds people if every time you order anything from McDonalds (ESPECIALLY the Drive-Thru), you try to start an erudite conversation with them. Talk about philosophy, Greek drama, Shakespeare, early French film making, anything that "hip McDonalds people" probably don't think about. At the very least you'll inform someone of something they don't know. At the best, you might be pleasantly surprised that the guy behind the counter at McDonalds with the neck tattoo and four mortgage-priced gold chains is extremely knowledgeable about Latin poetry.

So, though I hate to admit it, I must kind of thank Mickey-D's. By aggravating me with their commercial that encourages so called "Normalcy" and pushes manufactured pop culture on us like a broke pimp pushing its last skank at you, they have encouraged me to go learn obscure things to confuse their employees... Next wiki search:Baroque Art... :)

Note: Ludicrously Late Book Review for MAUS is coming... as soon as I get done reading it... for like the 20th time... I fucking love this book...

Ludicrously Late Reviews #1

2009-04-14T15:17:00.000-04:00

Hey guys, CD here with what hopefully (If I can stay motivated) will be a continuing feature here at CBDOCT, Ludicrously Late Reviews!!! My goal is to take old stuff, ANYTHING, movies, books, comics, CDs, and give you guys an objective review. Hell, if I do good, maybe one of the guys at AintItCool or some other awesome site will think I'm a genius... or not... at least it'll be fun...

And SO! Without further ado... I present to you....

Ludicrously Late Reviews #1 : Confessions of a Super Hero

I saw this movie on the Internet about 2 years ago, and only payed half attention to it, turing it off before the end. I learned last night about how much a mistake that was. I have to say this is one of the most interesting documentarys I have ever seen. It focuses on four individuals who have nothing in common but one very odd job choice. They dress up like superheroes and take pictures with tourists on Hollywood Boulevard for tip money. The four focal points of the film are Batman (Maxwell Allen, a gun nut with some anger management issues, and a penchant for shitting in port-a-pottys he doesn't belong in), Wonder Woman (Jennifer Wenger, an adorable girl from the midwest who ran off to Vegas to get married, and is now dealing with the ramifications), The Incredible Hulk (Joeseph McQueen, formerly homeless, now a struggling actor who is well aware of his physical limitations [his teeth are fucked up]), and of course Superman (Christopher Dennis, a spitting image of a 107 pound Christopher Reeve, who has an obssessive collection of Superman memoribilia, an unexplainably smitten therapist girlfriend, a former meth problem, and who firmly believes Sandy Dennis is his mom!)

This movie really has little to do with the fact that these people dress up as fictional, superpowered beings (Except for Superman), it's more of a view of how people with jobs this weird live their personal lives. Following the Hulk to the alleyway he slept in three years ago is heartbreaking. Watching Wonder Woman cry over her failing marrige in the middle of an interview that had little to do with it should move even the hardest person. Seeing stock news footage of Batman screaming at people for tips, then being arrested is shocking. But possibly the most interesting story in the movie is Superman himself, for he firmly believes he's Superman. Not in a crazy "I can fly" way, he just believes dressing up in this suit will do good for the world. It's noble and sad to watch all at the same time. When he goes to "Metroplis, Illinois" for the American Superman Festival a few months after Christopher Reeves died ("Batman called me crying today. He said Superman was dead" - Great Fucking Quote) , then loses the costume contest, you can see the hurt on his face. It was more to him than losing some dumb costume contest, it was almost like he felt like he failed at continuing the tradition of the Man of Steel.

If you like people watching, comic books, or just hearing about people with jobs way more fucked up than yours, you should dig Confessions of a Superhero. Not a life changing movie, but definately one you'll think about for a while to come.

And just in case you're wondering, Superman STILL walks around, to this day, on Hollywood Boulevard. Say what you will about Christopher Dennis, but he has more drive and passion to do what he loves than most of us do. Here's a current pic that I found from BATGIRLS BLOG!!!

Why I want herpes, a discussion...

2009-04-08T17:09:00.000-04:00

Actually, just the other day, I recieved herpes from my roomate's girlfriend! She's promising it to me since X-Mas, but only just delivered on her claim.

Isn't he just fucking adorable?!?!

Anyway, on to the real point of my shocking title for this post. I'm a performer and an actor. I just finished wrapping my first independent film, and perform magic shows in my town. I'm writing stand-up comedy right now, and have high hopes for all types of performance in the future.

So I want herpes.

Not literally, of course, but I want to play "Herpes' Sufferer #3" in a Valtrex commercial. "Why on earth would you want to be on TV claiming your crotch is infected, and likely to bubble on any female who touches it?" I hear you ask your computer screens. Well, let me tell you.

First off, who the hell wouldn't love putting "Herpes Sufferer #3" on their acting resume? I would place it above all other acting jobs. Ever. "Oh, you'll notice right under 'Herpes Sufferer #3' I did a command performance of Waiting for Godot for the Queen with Morgan Freeman. Second best gig ever". Hell, I'd even put that on my normal resume. Imagine the impact you'll make with the 26 year old Kinko's manager when he reads of your drippy ballsac as you try to get that laminating position everyone so desparately wants. He'll never forget your face. Or the image he's conjured up of you disease ridden genitals. Priceless...

Second, those commercials make STDs look AWESOME!!! I never realized that if you had Herpes, and your lover didn't, you'd get to have a bar-b-que in the shore of Niagra falls while mountian biking, skiing, and kayaking, along with all those crazy little cartoon animals singing songs about condoms and anti-inflammatory creams to you! Herpes looks like it rocks!!!

And thirdly, and this is the one that I would do as often as possible, any time a girl in a bar, club, S&M Dungeon, or T.G.I. Fridays comes up to you and asks if you were the guy who was in the Valtrex commercial, you smile confidently and say yes. When she asks if you really have herpes, you let the tension build for a while, then cooly whisper into her ear, "It looks like I do, but I'm just that good of an actor..." See where the night takes you...

Valtrex, take note. E-mail me. I want to be in a commercial. That is all.